Watching a nun decked out in her garb while carrying a Sacramento Kings backpack, I couldn’t help but smile and think that I will miss Africa for the next three months. The last four months here have been very hard, but at the same time I am very grateful for this time. During the past four months I have been able to do some very interesting research which in my idealistic world will contribute to increasing global health system’s efficiency. I have made friends, learned some French and learned a lot about global health systems.
In a way I am giving up because I signed on to be here from June-April. However, for my own mental health I needed to take a break for these next three months. I will be returning in January and staying for 3-4 more months at that time. My American drive to be productive makes it a lot harder because a lot of the work I was doing was on the computer and could be done in Florida. It is really hard to give up on something that I wanted to do and to see my own limitations. I am not usually one to quit, but I think the process of leaving is a humbling experience as well as explaining it over and over during the next few months.
I am currently sitting in Nairobi second-guessing my decision to leave and wondering if I could have forced myself through another 6 months in the country. However, when I take a deep breath and am honest with myself, I realize that I am not invincible and I need other people. I think the hardest part of the past four months is that I have been in essential isolation for at least 75% of the time. Much of this wasn’t my choice which made it even harder. I was getting some good ideas for a book and I wrote the first few chapters, but I would rather sacrifice a Dostoyevsky-esque novel for peace of mind and relationships.
I will miss Africa. I think part of it is because it is easy to idealize what you don’t have and I am sure that home will become less desirable than it seems right now. However, sometimes you have a gut feeling that you should do something and the fact that all of the appropriate authorities agreed seems to be further confirmation. I will miss the staring, the “good morning’s” at 9 PM, the crowded buses, Bugesera, observing the health system and becoming friends with a few people in Nyamata. However, the fact that I will be returning in a few months assuages my guilt and right now I am looking forward to being home.
